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Wednesday, March 30, 2005
9:15 PM
i've been kidding myself. i can't afford grad school. it doesn't matter how much i want it, doubling or tripling my debt is not something i can do.
it hurts so much to give up.
Friday, March 25, 2005
1:17 AM
grad school acceptance #2 = granted. unc-chapel hill's tam program is now an option as well.
tomorrow? admitted students visitation day at duke.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
10:29 AM
"Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to waste and destroy." - Henri de Lubac, Paradoxes
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
2:38 PM
today appears to be "everybody dress a little schlumpy" day. i am wearing an old school grey sweat suit hoodie (that i stole from my dad, probably somewhere around the age of 11) and others aren't far off. the other admin is wearing a southern comfort shirt that has obviously been washed with something red. even our departmental fashionistas have declined their usual flash for track suits (though they are of the juicy persuasion, and therefore stylishly schlumpy).
while at work monday, i came up with a new life plan
step 1 - find a journalism internship/start freelancing
step 2 - go to medill (maybe in the spring, maybe later)
step 3 - become the next maureen dowd, only better (because i've got to try to be the best, of course)
it may just be time to give up trying to pretend i'll be happy in an office and admit that maybe i want to be a journalist when i grow up.
not sure where this puts grad school though...
(still no word from TAM)
Friday, March 18, 2005
12:13 PM
writing.
this is all i know how to do.
this is the only thing i've ever really loved to do.
the only job that ever made me happy wasn't a job--it was volunteer. i poured my mind and heart onto the page for 750-1000 words every tuesday for a year. i don't know who read it. i don't know if it made an impact. but it made me happy and i felt like what i thought mattered, that maybe i made a difference, made people think.
i can't keep doing this. i can't work a job that doesn't use my brain and is slowly wearing away my ability to use my hands. i'm better than this. i really am.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
8:54 PM
it is st. patrick's day...
and march madness...
my house is full of drunk people...
who are falling down.
i'm glad eirishis is stuck at home for clean-up tomorrow...
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
11:45 PM
wow.
70 hours, so much done and still not enough time.
thursday: off the plane to a proper welcome home. a stop at the daily cardinal offices, because of course i need to pick up my bound. then much good sushi with fabulous friends before heading to the plaza where too much alcohol was consumed and the prep for drama to be had began. there was the long lost jonesy and many other cardinalistas who i miss too desperately for words, as well as a new one i will declare absolutely fascinating. an after-bar, which mostly consisted of being too drunk and unnecessary drama of the sort i generally try to avoid, let alone take primary part in.
fridaysleeping late, except not really, because haircut with the hometown stylist and take out lunch. staff meeting, where i felt very old, but saw the paper in good hands and an excited young crop. talking/making up, dinner with mOrrigan. then on to karaoke. love shack, can't get you out of my head, don't you want me, etc. much singing in pairs.
saturday? really sleeping late, barely managed brunch, a little silence, quiet coffee. then nick's restaurant (the very old hangout) before pre-bar, where old boss intersects with best people ever (funny to behold) before going out to the deep blue velvet. there, would run into 5 separate groups or individuals, non-related, in the crazy way those evenings sometimes work. group size fluctuated as people lost to lateness, drunkenness, simply running off. of those left, people came back to chat, food consumed, 4:30 phone call (not drunk) followed by the crashing realization tomorrow meant going home...but someone there to lean on and make it a little better
sunday: up too early for a short visit with the family, back to pack, random shopping/wandering/coffeeing on state street before the inevitable return to board another plane...
i miss each and every one of you. so much.
things learned this weekend:
1) i miss the close comfort of those i can lean on, both figuratively and literally. they will be with me until i am old, if i have any say in the matter. i do not have that here.
2) this place is not home the way madison was and never can be-i'm not even sure it can be home the way london was.
3) i still have to decide my future on my own. they don't understand my hesitation about my options.
side thoughts: my oldest cousin (6 years my junior) was the victim of domestic abuse, of the type that put her into the hospital. i'm deeply disturbed and yet have no idea how to respond. i worry about her often and have for awhile. i can only hope this is an early and effective wakeup call. also, i'd like to hurt him. a lot.
and things that scare me in the news that i may or may not elaborate on later. but for now, i'm up later than i meant to be and it's time to take the ice packs off my forearms (i hate you carpal tunnel) and curl up in bed alone.
i want to go home.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
11:39 PM
wow. so much i want to say but my wrists hurt too much to spend the time typing it. will post when the pain permits.
needless to say, home was wonderful. i miss you all. moving to north carolina, while it's been an experience, is by and large the worst mistake i've ever made. (no offense to the wonderful people i've met or the places i've been, but this place isn't home.)
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
1:33 AM
If you read this,
Even if I don't speak to you often,
Please post a memory of me in a comment.
It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad or both,
Just so long as it happened.
Then post this to your journal.
See what people remember about you. Or not.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
5:57 PM
it's disconcerting to find out that the guy you've been casually flirting with at work is in seminary studying to be a baptist preacher.
