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Thursday, October 30, 2003
11:11 PM
i learned another new sword form today. two forms in two sessions. very good.
finished my halloween costume. except for the last cut, which i won't implement until going out on saturday. sufficient for my purposes for friday. but i'm afraid the final cut must wait till saturday, for i won't be able to take it off without it falling apart at that point.
kitties have discovered the scratching post, finally. amusing to watch. though if they keep at it i'll have to put it away when i go to bed.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
11:08 PM
it's been a very long weekend. good, but long. kartar was in town. showed him around, though i was hungover for most of the weekend, due to too much going out. i'm too old to go out two nights in a row. and i still don't have my column written for the week. have half my exam finished, but not the other. i can finish that tomorrow. but i'm totally unfocused and should go to bed.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
11:56 PM
jesus actor struck by lightning. twice, at that.
and people say god is dead.
Monday, October 20, 2003
10:05 PM
i called my mom tonight, for no particular reason other than discussing life's little details, from roommate searching (two potentials) to the george foreman grill (which is awesome for making grilled cheese sandwiches!). it seems my house burned down.
not my house of course. not my parents'. but the house i lived in longer than any other, from the age of 6 till my early teens. my mom says we lived there 6 years, and i guess i can't protest that. in some ways, we moved around a lot when i was younger. heck, my parents didn't settle down into the house on spring street until i was in high school. but for 6 years we lived in a blue mobile home, first in madison, then moved it with us to waterloo. it was where i came home from school in first grade and found sparkles for the first time, a mewling scared little ball of gray fur who's now 17 years old and nearly blind. where dad brought home a color tv and beta vcr. where i rented a nintendo and woke up in the middle of the night to find my mother curled up in front of the tv playing it. lots of growing up there. lots of being a little girl. halloween parties. shaving my legs for the first time. lots of little insignificant things that roll up into a blur of past.
i haven't thought about it much in recent times, except a knee jerk defense raised when i hear those lucky enough to always have lived in strictly middle class homes and suburbs making comments about trailer parks and the moral character of those therein. but it's oddly disconcerting to know that this place that was my home for longer than any other burst into flame on sunday and now rests utterly destroyed. the owner left a candle burning and forgot about it -- everyone made it out all right, but the house itself is gone. flames so hot they melted the sides of the neighbors' homes. i'm sure those thick white curtains hanging across the three huge windows of the living room did their part in feeding the flames, in melting the orange countertops, the wood paneled hall. even though i never thought to go back, i always knew it was there, and now it's not. the mirror where i watched my baby sister in her pink footie jammies discover her reflection. where i shared a room with both my sister and brother. where for awhile, when i was a little girl, it was just me and my mom.
Thursday, October 16, 2003
11:31 PM
sometimes i suspect i make myself lonely.
Monday, October 13, 2003
6:11 PM
you would think, at the age of 23, i would stop. but i'm still easily hurt, victim to strong emotions that i still seem to have little control over, prone to depression. it's all made worse by the upheaval that has marked my life for the last few months and the unknown that is the future. i have needed to be in control of things, for pretty much as far back as i remember and the question marks leave me little to hang on to. i don't sleep well, i have to force myself to eat even semi-decently, i'm constantly behind because there is too much to do.
don't misunderstand this...i'm not looking for sympathy. i'm just trying to lay out where my head is at. i know my life is not bad. i have friends who love me and a family that supports me. i have a job that pays me enough to make the rent on a nice apartment and buy myself food that is several steps above ramen noodles and macaroni and cheese. i get to write a column and spout my thoughts at the campus once a week. i have two cats who curls up at my feet at night. i have so many opportunities and the will power to pursue the if i could only decide what to do. i will graduate from college in a little more than two months, and even though it terrifies me it also opens up even more possibilities.
but for now i'm just trying to stabilize. trying to remember how to breath without feeling on edge at every moment. i'm selfish and introverted right now and trying to break out of both. i'm not good at being alone, at living alone. but maybe it's what i need right now. maybe if i pretend to believe it, it'll eventually be true.
Saturday, October 11, 2003
11:52 PM
ended up going to see "thirteen." good movie, though a little disturbing. not as bad as "kids" of course, has more hope than that. but damn...i don't know how i'll raise children. i was too well behaved to know how to deal with most of them.
1:12 PM
i am done with my midterms. and it's a gorgeous day out, with cool air and falling leaves and the great smells of fall. i was supposed to spend it at a state park with some people, but that appears to have fallen through. or else i was forgotten. anyway, i'm not quite sure what to do with myself now...i had really been looking forward to hiking around, and it could well be the last really great weekend before cold sets in. disappointed.
Monday, October 06, 2003
11:16 PM
Funny.
i haven't written my paper yet.
Saturday, October 04, 2003
9:59 PM
teach for america, as it is no longer affiliated with americorps, also no longer has the debt reduction benefits of that program. which i suppose takes it off my list of possibilities for post school employment. i certainly can't pay back my loans on a teachers salary.
what the fuck am i going to do when i graduate? i have to actually start considering this, but i don't have enough time to do everything i have to get done now, without taking into account a job search. terrified much?
i need to cope with my stress, as it just keeps making me sick, in progressively more aggressive fashion.
Friday, October 03, 2003
12:12 AM
too true, that the ones you care about most are the ones that also cause you the most pain.
still sick, in a sleeping for most of the last 24+ hours kind of way. missed an oral report that was due in my 600 seminar, among other things i'm not sure how i'll make up kind of way. looked through the financial aid book to see if i can drop a class without some sort of aid withdrawal, but it appears not, so i'll have to soldier through. tempted to convert one of them to pass/fail, however, as i just don't have the time or energy for two jobs and 13 credits and sleep.
my cats are a good comfort, with being sick and having no one to take care of me. they have quietly slept with me most of the day, including a span curled up on my tummy as i slept on the couch. they're beautiful, sweet little creatures.
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
6:21 PM
i am not well, in a very not appealing way.
