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Thursday, July 31, 2003
11:24 PM
so, the first chunk of the day? kinda sucked. issues with my travel center boss and terrible traffic and general wisconsin summer stickiness outside.
but then i went to sword, and it was an incredible experience to be surrounded by so many people. it was intimidating and exciting and lovely. then tommy & erica came home and brought me food, soon followed by mari calling from far off japan. and the good night made up for a bad day, and i'm going to go to bed early (for me, anyway) and try to sleep in that calm frame of mind.
Monday, July 28, 2003
12:54 AM
very tense. have been all weekend. my jaw hurts from the fact that i've been clenching it all day without even realizing it.
mari left saturday. another month and mere is gone too. this could be part of the problem.
Thursday, July 17, 2003
7:17 PM
strange, that it's taken me nearly two years to realize how much i miss you. maybe it's watching everyone else leave. but you seem to be happy, and i suppose i have to be glad for that, as i certainly didn't help bring that about.
Monday, July 14, 2003
11:57 PM
a year ago i was asleep in bed after spending bastille day in paris. seeing the parade, chirac just before he got shot at, fireworks behind the eiffel tower...talk about amazing. god do i have to get back.
life is good. i was going to write something witty and introspective and moving, but honestly, i'd rather go to sleep right now.
Sunday, July 06, 2003
10:49 PM
i partied like a rock star this weekend. it was fun, but exhausting. also, my alcohol tolerance is definitely up. good times. good times.
Saturday, July 05, 2003
1:32 AM
i don't know when life became a series of movie theater moments, when you sit back and know what would happen if it was on screen and almost feel pleasantly surprised when it does.
we went to my home town tonight, arriving just in time for the fourth of july fireworks. my parents live right by the park, so we heard the first few shots and as we went outside could see the glowing explosions over the trees like so many midnight flowers. we crested the hill, made our way down past waves of people to the same clear spot i always sit at, as i'm always late. home being so close makes the delay too tempting to resist. a tree branch hangs down and blocks the center of many of the bursts, but it doesn't matter to me. i lay down on a blanket, used mari's lap as a pillow and just...felt at home. a little bit of a movie moment, in the small town girl coming home and remembering where she comes from, blah blah blah.
i guess you need those reminders sometimes, of being younger and dumber and in a way much more exciting, with all those different routes open before you. you don't care because it's the fourth of july and you're wearing glow sticks around your neck or crowning your hair. the fireworks will be over and the band will play and you'll dance. you don't know what's to come and you don't care, because you're a small town girl looking to get out eventually, but the people around you are more important at the time.
i forget about some of the good things that existed in the sixteen year old. the sweet naivete, the faith, the dedication, the certainty of what was coming next, the sheer overwhelming independence of her and total self reliance. she was so fucking strong and she didn't even know it. she still doesn't, not really, but sometimes she remembers.
the last few days have been pretty good. i'm getting ready to say goodbye to some people who are terribly important to me. i don't know how life'll go once they're gone, and it's hard. but i know they'll still be there, even when they're half a world away, and that's what's important at this time...
