| Today | Me | Links |
Monday, March 31, 2003
1:24 PM
if you are a medical professional, you should not speak to me today, as i'm almost guaranteed to start crying on you.
spent about 3 hours at the doctors office. i have neither strep nor mono. just something nasty that they can't i.d. the basic assessment is that i am to continue to drug myself until it goes away and rest when my body tells me too. if i'm not improving by wednesday, i'm to call and we'll be digging back into thyroid testing and other related reasons to draw vial upon vial of my blood. it'll be fun, just like last time. can't wait for another one of those throat scans with the giant machine hovering above me...
8:21 AM
going in to the doctors office in a little more than an hour. i just can't deal with this anymore. i'd like to eat and sleep again. i'd like to take a drink of water without hurting. i started crying while talking to the nurse on the phone. she ordered me back into the doctor's office, and sounded displeased with the one i saw at urgent care all those days ago.
Sunday, March 30, 2003
10:21 PM
/begin whining session
i'm very tired. i haven't done a damn thing since wednesday, but i feel like i've been doing day long workouts every day. i'm actually going out of my head from having to be at my house. i've watched too much television, too much sleep. having trouble sleeping solidly through the night...lots of waking up and very disturbing dreams i can't remember. haven't been able to manage much in the way of homework. i can't concentrate very well on anything, though i'm working through candide for my satire class, which i'm probably not going to be at anyway. i'm going to attempt to work tomorrow for a little while, but i don't know how long it'll last. i haven't really eaten much since getting sick, as swallowing is still really painful. i know it makes me weaker, but it's hard enough to get enough water down each day. i managed some mashed potatoes, but even pudding was too much. and god forbid i drink anything but water. tonsils are still swollen and tender, protruding enough from my neck that i can feel them. ugh. nothing else bloody appearing, so i think it was just an aberration. i did manage to walk to the corner store this afternoon, but it was tiring. this is so sad. i've missed a week of sword, am well on my way to missing a week of classes. had a major assignment due on tuesday that simply isn't going to happen. don't know what i'm going to do about it. skip class is the plan right now, i guess, though there a bunch of other majors due within the next few weeks, so i'm pretty much doomed to a constant heavy (heavier) workload until classes are out.
/end whining session
thanks to everyone who's called, and emailed, and commented. i'm trying to get better. doctors will be visited if the slow healing action stops. i promise.
Saturday, March 29, 2003
9:21 AM
i just coughed up something bloody. i can't decide whether i should be worried about it or not. i do, however, think i'm going to cry now.
Friday, March 28, 2003
8:39 PM
feeling a little healthier. actually managed to eat a little. dan came over and took care of me for a good chunk of the day, making him officially the sweetest boy ever. he brought chicken soup, soda, throat drops, and zelda. (lending out the game cube, i realize, is the ultimate sacrifice...it's a really fun game.)
i could describe my symptoms in detail, but no one would find that appetizing, so i'll refrain. i'll just say that my tonsils are really gross.
i think exhausted little me should try to sleep early again. hopefully i'll have a solid nights sleep this time and be that much closer to better tomorrow. i just hate having wasted all this time, and knowing i won't be full strength all weekend.
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
10:41 AM
ugh. tonsils horrifically swollen and swallowing is super painful. have gotten the day off from work and intend to sleep most of it away.
oh, and yesterday, my hakama arrived. i'm very pleased.
Sunday, March 23, 2003
8:42 PM
this has officially been a strange, entertaining weekend.
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
11:07 PM
it's strange to watch war unfold. i was too young to really pay attention last time. all i knew is my uncle was over there, and i was worried about him. now i'm worried they'll send him back, that old friends will find themselves in the middle of the desert fighting a war i don't agree with. i worry about them...they're all still safe, but for how long? how long until others i know find themselves on their way?
it's almost too much to think about, but i feel like i have to. so i'm sitting, drinking guinness with meredith and devin, watching cnn and occasionally calling up bbc's stream on the internet. it's simply unreal, that after six months of hoping and praying that it wouldn't come to this it has come to this.
dawn over baghdad, and i remember dawn over cairo...the cities don't look that different from the hazy sky. so many people...so many innocent people. men selling water in roadside stands, fake oreos and curry flavored chips to feed snacking urges. mango juice for sale, some wilting fruit waiting for the people to buy as they pass along the way. a smoky hookah bar, streets filled with cars that seem destined to crash but never touch. children bringing me tea. always children bringing me tea. this is what i remember of the middle east. these are the sort of people who are going to die over the next few days, weeks, months. these are the people who will hate us for killing their brothers and sons and fathers, let alone the daughters and mothers and sisters caught in the crossfire. i know i have little impact on anything here. but i wish i did. i wish i could.
what have we begun?
Tuesday, March 18, 2003
9:30 AM
to Procrusteanbed, hanging out in montana (if your IP is to be believed)...i don't know who you are. and maybe i should. and yes, i just deleted your entry, as i've restablished a policy of not putting up my full name. i'm depressed. it's one of those things that end up being unavoidable, despite my efforts not to be. i'm glad you haven't had to experience it. if how i feel and choose to express it bothers you, don't read this website, or think about it while listening to someone give a speech about something actually important. this website is me talking about myself. i don't pretend otherwise. i know i have a pretty wonderful life, which is why my depression is that much more annoying. if you feel like chastising me for an illness i'm trying to get rid of, leave your real name and email. otherwise, don't bother saying a word.
Monday, March 17, 2003
10:58 PM
i'm just tired and sad right now. and for once it isn't for me.
5:13 PM
a lot of people are going to die soon.
Sunday, March 16, 2003
3:05 PM
i forgot how much room desktops take up. it's ridiculous.
Saturday, March 15, 2003
11:04 PM
sword class was really good today. i was sweaty and sticky and it was awesome. after training i stood out by the railing, letting the spring wind go through my hair and laughing because at that moment i was happy. those are the moments that keep me going even though i feel like so much of my life is spent being sad.
i'm super tired now. i'm going to go to bed.
12:02 AM
mood: exanimate
in an odd mood. feeling sorry for myself, but not?
i don't know. last night, had a repressed memory surface of the cruelty children are capable of. there are reasons i am the way i am. there are all the good things that my parents did, that my friends did...but there's a lot more back there, lots of time spent being rejected and very unhappy and searching for social acceptance. i've always been that little bit too loud, too opinionated, too...too much everything. i don't really fit. never have. not in my family, not socially. it's hard on me. it's made me who i am. i don't trust people easily. less so, the older i get. i find it easy to be open, but it's not about trust. if everyone knows everything, nobody can reveal your secrets. nobody can hurt you by breaking that sort of trust. some have earned it.
i'm so tired of living like this. i've got this irrational but insuppressible fear that i'm going to be 40 and alone. i can't be with anyone right now because i'm so...no one i'm interested in wants to be with me. i don't know. i miss sleeping next to someone, someone stroking my hair as i drift off. i miss someone caring like that. i currently don't believe that'll happen again. i don't trust anyone enough. maybe i don't trust me. there's a reason for both.
Friday, March 14, 2003
8:34 AM
mood: groggy
the cardboard tube samurai. gorgeous and funny.
my left wrist hurts, reaching up into the main body of my hand. it's been bothering me for a week or so now.
my sword has yet to arrive.
erin's movie is done. i look really scary in it.
Thursday, March 13, 2003
7:54 AM
what a horrible dream...
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
11:40 PM
funniest thing ever. in a depressing sort of way.
11:05 PM
i have a really amazing father.
it's been a long week already. i wish tomorrow were saturday. i wish my car were fixed (though dad is working on it).
eh, whatever. i wish a lot of things.
Monday, March 10, 2003
9:49 PM
midterm action is now over. thank god.
my sword should arrive sometime this week. the wait is pure torture.
keith and nick are bringing me ice cream. this pleases me.
long weird day, that included being hit on by the former wrestling coach of my high school. why is it that only men i'm utterly uninterested in want to date me?
Sunday, March 09, 2003
11:41 PM
mood: indifferent
there have been a lot of little crappy things today. freaking on my family was a bad start.
1) exam partner no where to be found for most of the day.
2) lots of politically motivated "discussion" (ie, fighting)
3) potential ruining of favorite sweater by tired-to-the-point-of-ill roommate.
4) worrying about said roommate, who refuses to go to sleep.
5) finally, car is making a sincere attempt to die. this is worrying.
allright. done whining. shower, then bed. clean me in clean pajamas in clean sheets. can't get much better than that.
(i'm not sure what that says about the state of my life right now.)
1:03 AM
mood: afraid
i got an email forward from a family member tonight that made me angry and made me cry.
i just spent the last hour writing a response and sending it back to them and to the rest of the family members who had also received the forward. it was hard to write and send...i don't talk a lot about my political and social stances with my family...i'm afraid to offend them because i disagree so much, but i felt like i had no other choice. they need to know who i am. and i suppose i need to know they will still love and accept me in spite of those differences. what's wrong with me, that i fear even my own family will reject me?
it's so fucking hard, when it feels like our life views are no where near the same...
Saturday, March 08, 2003
8:55 PM
the washer or the dryer wrecked my favorite bra. i'm not sure which. i am really annoyed.
Friday, March 07, 2003
5:06 PM
i just made a snowman.
Thursday, March 06, 2003
9:55 PM
i'm in a very not positive mind frame right now, honestly. three days of not sleeping enough and the stress of midterms have made me fairly unpleasant, even to myself, let alone anyone else. i'm sure everyone who had to talk to me in the last five hours is sufficiently pissed off. sword class was incredibly frustrating, because i was completely unable to focus, too tired to do anything well anyway.
i'm just angry at me. it's never a good thing.
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
11:01 AM
mood: accomplished
music: the hives
two down. two to go.
Sunday, March 02, 2003
12:05 AM
mood: melancholy
music: old 97s
walking to pinkus mcbride tonight, the dry air and thick clumps of snowflakes falling. one landed directly on my lips, a soft cold kiss that melted into liquid, and my words stopped as i smiled.
it's been a long day. a long week. my body's sore, in the i've been pushing it way. i'm starting to be able to identify the muscles on my back, the way they flex and move just under the surface of the skin, seeing the ripple over my shoulder blades as i look at them in the mirror. the swords never seem that heavy, yet they're changing the way my body is shaped, and even the way i move. it's also quieting my mind, as much as that's possible. not that my brain ever stops, but my ability to redirect it from harmful thoughts is improving.
there's so much to say. but not here. and probably not ever. silence sometimes...it's just sometimes for the best, i'm learning. the hurt fades. someday i'll quit blaming myself for the things i cannot change.
