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Tuesday, February 25, 2003
12:15 AM
mood: depressed
i hate myself.
in other news: iraqbodycount.org, where we can track the civilian casualties as war occurs.
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
8:32 PM
mood: sick
have been sick all day. made it in for one class, but that was all. the flu sucks, and i don't even have ginger ale. will someone please come tuck me in to bed and put me to sleep? it's the stand up for five minutes and lay back down because you're exhausted kind of thing. if i feel like this tomorrow i'm not going to class. or work. work is the thing that'll suck. a lot. i've got a 5 hours shift and finding people to cover it will be tough if i can't make it in.
also, students loans are depressing.
Sunday, February 16, 2003
10:57 PM
mood: melancholy
music: frou frou
i ordered this sword last night. waiting for it is going to drive me crazy, but i'm really excited. training without a sword of my own is completely possible, but having my own should give it an extra nudge up. it's beautiful.
training yesterday was good. calming, centering. i wish it were every day sometimes...i just feel so much more sane afterward, less unhappy than i have been. i want to cling all the more to the things that give me balance and it's become a big part of that. for a few hours, that's all there is and none of it matters.
there were 9 of us at the sunday breakfast club today. it's a good thing, even if we totally dominated sofia's.
and just because it struck me as depressingly lovely today: "i've never known a beautiful girl who wasn't doomed." - darcey steinke
Friday, February 14, 2003
11:33 PM
mood: exhausted
music: rainer maria, long knives drawn
i'm pretty blase about the whole holiday, actually. it's always been kind of bland, even when dating, and today was just like every other day. got up too early, considering how late i'd been awake (filming a scene for erin's movie), and went to sword. breakfast at lazy jane's. working all day. book reading tonight by the man who invented the birth control pill.
got home a little bit ago. my parents had stopped while i was gone, on their way to olbrich gardens for a valentine's dance. my mother left a small gift on my dresser - my valentine's present. it's sweet...she does it every year, and i never fails to make me happy. i've still got a little teddy bear she gave me years ago, a panda holding a little heart that says i love you. it hangs out by my bed, and i'm sure anyone who's bothered to notice it assumes it's from an ex. but no. just my mom. and it'll stay there.
i hit myself in the chin twice today. once with the bo, once with a book.
Sunday, February 09, 2003
2:03 AM
weird night. definitely a weird night.
Friday, February 07, 2003
11:03 PM
early to bed again. i'm so tired these days. working all the time does that to you. at least when i'm done with school i won't have homework absorbing my evenings.
my uncle is in the guards. i'd forgotten about that. another reason to hate the impending march of war .
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
11:11 PM
A week before my birthday, four days before Christmas, I found a lump in my left breast. It was morning, I was getting dressed, and as I adjusted my bra I felt something oddly solid beneath my fingertips. I didn’t really believe it. After all, I was only 22. Needless to say, fear progressed from there. Those few I talked to told me not to worry, that I was young, there was no history of breast cancer in my family. Intellectually, I understood it all already, but it didn’t make me less afraid. We’re so drilled in to check, to watch, to wait. So through Christmas, through my birthday, I waited to see my doctor. If I’d been willing to see someone else, I could have gone in nearly immediately, but I wanted Dr Thomas. The man found a viral infection in my thyroid when everyone else thought his concern was frivolous, and I trust him with my life. I went in and after examination he told me it was probably not serious, but that I should come back in after a month so he could check again. It rid me of most of my worries, but until I went in yesterday for the follow-up it was still at the back of my mind like a shadow. He thinks I’m okay, but he wants me to be careful, keep track, watching. Call him if it comes back. I do feel better, incredibly relieved. I’m not sure when I’ve been more scared.
I’m only 23. There’s so much I want to do. There’s so much life left here, at least another 70 years if my great-grandmothers are any indication. But alternating generations of women in my family seem to be cut off early, lost before it’s fair. I still remember the slow loss of my grandmother. I was only seven. I didn’t understand. Sometimes I think that’s when I started to lose faith. I don’t have the cancer gene that killed her, but maybe there’s another we just don’t know how to trace. So finding that lump scared me. I’m too keenly aware of my own mortality, fear death too deeply. Perhaps it’s absence of faith, or maybe my own selfishness. I don’t want to die. I want to keep living here and laughing and feeling. I want to figure out what my calling is and follow it, to go through life knowing I’m here to get something finished and dedicate my all to whatever that cause is. I want to find someone to fall in love with and if I do to have him with me through the rest. I want to raise children who will try to save the world. But I want to be here. I want to see it. If I die, I won’t be able to. I probably won’t care, either way, afterlife or no. It’ll be done, or it’ll be beautiful, and everything I’ve done here won’t matter. Perhaps that’s part of what bothers me, is that this existence may be pointless. That I’m just a series of accidents who can think for a time before disappearing. I miss having faith in something. I miss being able to be sure. I guess I lost it a long time ago. I’d like to find it again, but I don’t know where to start.
