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Friday, January 31, 2003
6:28 PM
mood: contemplative
i'm afraid of living a life of unfulfilled potential. i'm not spectacular at anything, and i was supposed to be.
i walked to work today, a little late, like usual. everything was white, slight slipperiness under the soles of my docs. there was still a faint mist of snow falling and my breath was faintly visible. this is why i love wisconsin, despite bitter cold winds off the lake...winter as it's supposed to exist. another few inches and i'll make snow angels.
Thursday, January 30, 2003
10:06 PM
mood: satisfied
i'm oddly content right now. the day left me edgy, kind of off. but came home, went to sword. i wasn't totally there, took time to focus, got a bit frustrated, but overall i feel so much better for it. it leaves me genuinely happy when i'm done. i'm intimidated and self conscious, but i try to fight that instinct. i'm just starting, i'm not going to get it right immediately...my perfectionist nature is not the best thing for me...it causes unnecessary frustration.
but this is good. happy, even, right now.
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
10:23 PM
mood: confused
music: the flaming lips, yoshimi battles the pink robots
only slept three hours last night, trying to finish short story writing for class today. what sleep there was to find was restless, marked by sad dreams. have been in class and work all day, as the rest of the semester will go. just too tired to promote any functionality, so early sleep.
Sunday, January 26, 2003
11:55 PM
mood: sore
music: old 97s, salome
chicken bowl was fabulous, per usual. my year to be sick post festivities, apparently, but other than that twas fun. when mari and i left there was a three way race for the glutton champion and it looked ready to get ugly, in a purging kind of way. lots of little children wandering underfoot this year, which added a new dynamic to the chaotic mess.
computer is back, and reinstalled. much was lost to the directory collapse which eliminated the ability for the machine to function: every email, every email address, poetry, pictures, old websites...you name it, i probably lost it. however, because mustang & daryl are miracle workers, my fiction and a few other random things were saved from the fire. thank god, as i don't know how long i would have cried if i'd lost all my fiction from the last year.
and still feeling good about sword. sore from it today. must give dan a call later this week so i can review what we learned saturday. i need to find out what in my form is wrong that allowed bruising to occur on my hand. i would like to correct it.
all right, even though i really want to sleep i'm going to try to write a dash of the fiction i've been avoiding all weekend. tomorrow promises to be a long long night.
1:50 AM
i am in love. with swords. this class may have been the only good decision i've made in the last six months of my life. only good decision.
my computer exploded. chris is fixing it. he's my hero forever.
my friends and i have proved we are monumental asses tonight. it was, however, fun. apologies to dustin, even though he doesn't read this. we're not usually that weird.
Friday, January 24, 2003
8:38 AM
"invalid b-tree size"
that's it. if i can get a hold of chris and he can save my email, address book, and other files, that's great. otherwise i'm going to lose a year and a half of fiction, since i can't find the hard copies of half of it.
yeah. having computer problems again. i've got a short story due tuesday. i'm a little annoyed
Thursday, January 23, 2003
11:04 PM
mood: sleepy
woke up to npr declaring that there were "dangerously cold windchills." needless to say, i had three layers of everything on the inside, two layers on the outside, and i still managed to get cold. cause it's ridiculously bitter here in winter sometimes.
dropping criminal law officially.
start sword training on saturday. i'm excited.
have to open at the travel center tomorrow. not looking forward to it, as it's too cold to go outside.
12:18 AM
mood: sleepy
am now officially in all the classes i want to be in. now i must decide which one to drop. leaning toward criminal law, as it overlaps with sword. also, taking 3 law classes in a semester, when not a law student, seems unhealthy, even if they are all through the poli sci department.
also, joy (landlord-to-be) called. our applications have apparently been accepted, she just needs to draw up the lease.
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
12:20 AM
mood: content
music: old 97s, too far to care
first day of classes. so cold out that my cheeks turned red and i ducked through buildings on campus in efforts to stay out of the cold - resulting in fogged up glasses as i passed through the corridors.
i'm pleased. my schedule seems to be working out nicely, as long as i get into the ir class i'm currently waitlisted for. not sure i'll be keeping down's criminal law seminar...i'll go on thursday, see how i feel about it, but if i keep it i'll have 3 courses on 3 different types of law, and i might go insane. also, 18 credits + 2 jobs is just not do-able.
stopped in to see stephen - he gave me the most fabulous birthday/holiday gift: a signed dilate poster he picked up awhile ago. have to go out and find a frame now, hang it with pride. have to love ani difranco. it's just a given.
and i'm doing the sword. now that i admit i want to, i just have to.
anyway, happy and sleepy and i think it's off to bed.
Sunday, January 19, 2003
12:29 AM
i'm considering taking a sword class. hmm.
Saturday, January 18, 2003
1:35 AM
it was a good day. despite operating on only one hour of sleep, it was a good day. and there's not much more i can ask for than that right now. now, to try to retrieve some of that lost dream time...
Friday, January 17, 2003
3:50 AM
mood: wired
i can't sleep. have given up. watching sex in the city and looking at the new harry potter cards i bought instead. yes, i own the harry potter card game. soon i'll be playing mafia or vampire or some other rpg. we've actually discussed the possibilities of mafia before...it'd take some organization, but there's enough of us who'd be willing to play if we did.
so i found the apartment i want to live in next year. it's gorgeous, and though a little pricey, not ridiculous. i haven't been able to get a hold of erica to talk to her, but i'm hoping she trusts my judgment. it's the best apartment i've seen in madison. i want it with all my heart. wood floors, huge, big kitchen, tile bathroom, porch swing, high ceilings...yes. i want it. i'm obsessed. sigh. cross fingers for me.
the morning is going to suck. i've got to work all day. talk about tired...
12:50 AM
mood: better
so yes. i'm unstable. but i'm okay. will explain later, as it all works out more. financial aid/graduation related issues.
16 Jan 2003, 12:16am
mood: crying
what it comes down to is i would like, just for one moment, for my life to stop falling apart.
15 Jan 2003, 10:55pm
mood: numb
music: old 97s
what's amazing is how one ill-timed piece of information can fuck up your entire current life plan, vague as that plan might be. i'm so screwed. i don't need this. i don't need this at all.
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
10:18 AM
good god, the new harry potter book is finally coming out! it's 1/3 longer than the last, however. who am i kidding? i don't care how much longer it is.
12:36 AM
mood: distracted
my counselor thinks i may be depressed. part of me wanted to say, "well...duh."
been concentrating on the apartment search. i've got a good list to call through tomorrow morning before going in to work.
Monday, January 13, 2003
11:24 PM
mood: numb
music: law & order
i think i'm getting sick. i hope not. been very sluggish and quiet. full-ish day tomorrow, want to be awake and healthy for training at the travel center.
i've been off the last week or so. trying not to chart emotional mood swings overmuch online. my volatility bothers me, i can't imagine it's pleasant for others. there's so much i could speak in here, but...i guess i don't want to go there. at least not into everything.
"everything that keeps them together is falling apart."
somehow, i feel that quote has been echoing through my life. just at the time when i feel like everything should be starting to coalesce, it's all just continued to drop away. i don't know where i'm going. i'm not sure where the places i've been fits in. my holiday season, instead of being the source of warmth and comfort i look forward to, devolved into something all together different. lots of other things. i guess details aren't important. it's always a variation of degree.
i'm trying to recreate order in my life.
i've always been the one who's strong. i have a control thing, i know. but i'm tired of having to be strong, of pretending things don't hurt me, don't bother me, don't make me cry. i'm tired of boxing it in till the walls collapse and i break down. i keep doing it. it sickens me.
i guess i'm not saying much here. dancing around what i really want to voice. guess sometimes even i reach a limit of how honest i can be.
Monday, January 06, 2003
5:42 PM
mood: tired
i am losing my love of adventure
i'm losing all respect
for me and myself tonight
i wonder what happens if i get to
the end of this tunnel
and there isn't a light
i've worn down the treads
on all of my tires
i've worn through the elbows
and the knees of my clothing
i am stumbling down
the gravel driveway of desire
trying not to wake up
my sleeping self-loathing
do you ever have that dream
when you open your mouth
and you try to scream
but you can't make a sound
that's everyday starting now
that's everyday starting now
don't tell me it's gonna be alright
you can't sell me on your optimism tonight
it's a stiff competition
to see who can stay up later
the stars or the street lights
all they really want
is to be alone with the darkness
no more wish i may
no more wish i might
it takes a stiff upper lip
just to hold up my face
i got to suck it up and savor
the taste of my own behavior
i am spinning with longing
faster than a roulette wheel
this is not who i meant to be
this is not how i meant to feel
i don't think i am strong enough
to do this much longer
god, i wish i was stronger
this song could never be long enough
to express every longing
god, i wish it was longer...
- ani difranco, "wish i may"
Saturday, January 04, 2003
10:34 PM
mood: lonely
i also quit driving. coming home tonight from onalaska, we hit the wet snow. some idiot chose this time to turn on their lights and pull off the shoulder immediately in front of the car. i hit the brakes, sliding & spinning occurred, and we barely escaped going down the steep bank into the ditch. we were, however, faced the wrong way on the interstate. before we could figure out how to turn around and get back to driving, and officer arrived. we thought he'd help. instead, he wrote a $225 ticket. i hate driving. i'm going to avoid it whenever possible from now on. at least driving other people's cars (i was driving my mother's car this time).
i feel sick because this has upset me, my back is now bothering me again, and the person i was supposed to hang out with tonight is no where to be found.
chalk up another crappy day.
Wednesday, January 01, 2003
11:49 PM
new years resolution?
quit dating.
12:38 AM
mood: drained
"i want to fuck the hobbits. and maybe an elf or two." - erin
we watched movies & played games rather than going out to any of the parties we had options on. between her being sick, and my back, it's just more our speed this evening. we are both getting better, however. i have two distinct balls of pain now. this is an improvement.
i don't know. i'm in a weird mood. end of the year, and it's been a long strange one. lot of emotional highs and lows, though a great state of equilibrium for the time i was in europe...even sustained happiness. it's probably why i miss it so much. i've never been that happy for that long, and since coming back...it hasn't been a great five or six months. roller coaster is one word, brief heights, sustained lows that are tough to climb out of. stuck in one right now. don't want to be, but i am. wish i was capable of shaking it off, but it's a resistant little thing.
"this little war is maybe also what thrills."
a downer for a year ender. but that's where i am tonight. hope everyone else's new years were lovely & happy, and may the new year bring better times and brighter lights.
