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Saturday, November 30, 2002
9:44 AM
know what's worse than crying for hours? crying for hours because no one is around to help you stop, to stroke your hair, to tell you it'll be all right. i feel very alone right now. i once again come out feeling young and stupid and heartbroken and i'm starting to believe that's all i'm ever going to get. i make an adequate distraction for a while, but that seems to be about all i'm worth.
Friday, November 29, 2002
6:30 PM
i can't play second best, and that's all i ever seem to rank.
mood: hurting
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
11:09 PM
the chamomile has helped stop the shaking. i just need to sleep now. i just need...to not think for awhile.
10:51 AM
i love prime minister's question time. it's lovely and combative and the brits have the right idea. parties are supposed to be in opposition! tony blair has to think on his feet, respond immediately to questions he's not able to prepare for and all the surprises there in. he knows his policy, he knows his stance, and he doesn't falter, whether it's national or international or local. let's see g.w. do that.
8:38 AM
they're going to be bringing our soldiers home in body bags, and the rest back with severe and permanent psychological damage. urban war fare is messy, without fronts, and conservative estimates of a 25% casualty rate are probably low. the civilian body count is going to be horrible, and i don't accept the kind of collateral damage that they're going to gloss over.
hussein is a bad man. but this is about oil. if i'm remembering my facts correctly, iraq has the second largest oil supply in the middle east. when we take him down (because honestly, it's all about when, not if, now) we'll make sure there's a friendly regime in his place to make favorable contracts with g.w.'s oil company friends for great profits.
and pat robertson's comments against islam aren't even worthy of commentary. is that man really that uneducated?
mood: angry
music: cnn headline news
1:00 AM
it's been a long horrible day
mood: exhausted
Monday, November 25, 2002
11:45 PM
i should do fine on the ids. but i'm probably screwed on the essays. i can only answer 2 out of 8 of them well. i give up. i'm too tired and i just don't care anymore. i study again in the morning, i guess. i meant to go to kf's stand-up tonight, but dn didn't call before 9:30 and i didn't feel like going up there on my own. would have been a nice study break though.
been all reflective lately again, about a lot of things. i can't really talk about all of them here though. blogging always starts out about truth...public truth, or exhibitionism, putting yourself out there. but it almost always turns into hiding the same cracks and fault lines that we do in real life. we talk about the good things and sweep past the bad, mentioning it in passing as if it didn't matter. but it does and the people who know you see it and those who really understand see past the facade. some people are willing to be really honest. but then they get shit on when people they know find the words and react badly to them. it sucks. i think people should be rewarded for their emotional honesty, not beaten down for it.
now for a moment of it. while at home this weekend my mom had some of the old photo albums out. seeing grandma brush my hair, grandpa talking with others...they've both been dead for half my life now, and it's strange to see the real pictures, without the portraits. but i had this "i think i'm going to cry" moment while flipping through mom & dad's wedding album. there's a picture from the reception where my mom is dancing with me. she's kissing my forehead and i'm clinging to her. in the corner of the photo my dad is dancing with someone else but looking over and smiling. i remember that moment...or at least the time around it. i was so sad and scared and so many other things. my mother and i had a different relationship then, when it was just her and me. admittedly, i was much younger at that point...but it was different. i think it's why we never had the usual fights when i was a teenager. my mother has always been this amazing strong presence in my life. i know what she gave up, what she sacrificed for me. it was all changing then, as she was getting married, and it scared me. she really wasn't just mine anymore. i had to share her, and i didn't want to. it's comforting, in a way, to see him smiling at us at that frozen moment. he knew how important that all was, even though it was changing. he has been there ever since, and though we fight sometimes (and drive her crazy), he's been a wonderful father. she made a good choice, since i can't imagine not having him. things go on that remind me of that...how important they both are to me. and how i'm still not good at sharing the people i love, but i'm trying.
mood: reflective
11:27 AM
sometimes, you just know you're screwed. in so many different ways, and on so many different levels.
mood: resigned
Sunday, November 24, 2002
8:25 PM
i really just want a bath right now. but my bath tub doesn't work for actual bath tub use. i'm going to sulk now.
but the pre-thanksgiving party was smashing. fun was had by all.
mood: lethargic
1:19 AM
car accidents suck.
my back hurts.
i'm going to bed.
mood: crappy
Friday, November 22, 2002
10:54 PM
"Nice legs... can I wear them as ear muffs?" just an example of many possible pick up lines.
is it friday? cause somehow it doesn't feel like it is.
1:05 AM
also, vaguely disturbingly, i just noticed that my bitch boots say "sex appeal" on the bottom, along with little hearts. i bought them in malta. this seems wrong.
12:55 AM
mission accomplished.
mood: intoxicated
Thursday, November 21, 2002
6:06 PM
i so need to drink tonight.
mood: cynical
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
11:51 PM
i am eating strawberries and whipped cream. you can't get any better than that.
mood: sleepy
12:44 AM
my irrational thought for the night:
what if the government uses flu shots to test some experimental vaccine, or the effects of some drug?
(i got a flu shot today.)
mood: accomplished
music: dido, slide
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
10:27 PM
scanned and uploaded the new pictures, if anyone wants to see.
Monday, November 18, 2002
9:21 PM
when did i give it up? when did i lose it? when did i stop believing it was what i was meant to do?
why?
12:50 AM
i have to pick up mari from the airport in 8 hours. i should probably go to sleep.
music: hepburn
Friday, November 15, 2002
11:56 PM
mood: irate
music: erin mckeown
sorry about the last post. i just get so angry at the way the republicans are always protecting the big corporations. conservatives always complain about the higher tax burden they have to shoulder for all the liberal programs, about how the dems are always raising taxes. they overlook the fact that if we eliminated corporate loopholes and subsidies and quit letting big companies out of their social responsibilities, there'd be a whole lot less tax burden on the general public.
corporations don't have our best interests at heart. republicans are (generally) rich old men who own corporations. there's a reason i don't trust most of them. there's a reason i don't want them running my country. the dems and greens might not be the most sensible creatures all the time...but they give a damn about me, as a person. republicans don't - except where they want to regulate my personal life (which, if they're all about the government staying out of our lives, they really need to stop doing...but i'm going to stop before i write three million words on the total unconstitutionality and general wrongness of their moral legislation).
oh, and one more thing: let gays be in the military! they don't want to have sex with straight people! i can't believe we just kicked out six specialists in arabic when they're already experiencing a severe shortage and our evil hawkish leaders are prepping to launch an ill-advised war with iraq. i think we need their language skills. who cares what they do in their off time.
god.
/rant (for the moment)
harry potter, however, is a lovely lovely movie which makes me happy. i want to see it again. i went to target yesterday and bought the four disc dvd set of the lord of the rings. and i'll probably be going to see die another day next friday. yes, i am a dork.
8:07 PM
hi, republicans in the u.s. house? i want the option to sue the fuck out of drug companies if they've fucked up. helllooooooo. take it off the homeland security act. (i won't even go into my problems with that piece of legislation.)
but now i'm off to harry potter.
12:40 AM
in a crying mood. i don't know why. maybe just that it's been a long day.
mood: drained
Thursday, November 14, 2002
1:00 PM
hmm...this isn't showing up on the windows machine at helen c. i need to figure this out.
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
11:34 PM
here's a redesign. no frames. wonder how it looks on something that isn't a mac? all links are active, except those to the new pictures. they haven't actually been scanned yet. i'll do that in the next few days.
4:36 PM
the following question cannot come off in any other way than heroically vain. why am i always called hot, but hardly ever called beautiful?
it's irrational, but i find myself vaguely bothered by this. both are generally complimentary terms. is it something about the words themselves? probably, as i'm finding the distinction in the first place. i suppose i think of beauty as something more classic, more timeless, and in my ego-shaped little world i'd like to think that can apply to me. whatever. i'm taking a nap.
mood: distracted
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
7:17 PM
i sometimes wonder how much of my personality is a studied affectation.
mood: curious
Monday, November 11, 2002
5:02 PM
i can smell winter coming.
1:06 AM
sometimes, i wake up and i know something's wrong. i don't know what it is, but i've been jolted out of sleep and something feels so wrong i want to throw up. some irrational dream still jutting into my subconscious. erin isn't home yet from her show, which i thought she would be. i just feel tired and afraid to go back to sleep.
mood: anxious
Friday, November 08, 2002
11:48 PM
i'm worried about npr and pbs. the republicans hate them. i love them. they are my news. sigh.
6:53 PM
most of yesterday kinda sucked, up until 7 pm. i'd been up until 5 am the night before trying to finish writing that short story. of course, the creative writing workshop ended up being canceled. i spent most of the day in an over-tired daze, though the evening was better. we had a pretty good discussion about porn as a disciplining force. then i came home and dan and i watched the royal tenenbaums. great movie.
today's been slow. slept late, worked, now i'm home. mc is coming over and we're going to do the schedule planning thing.
mood: tired
music: ani difranco, to the teeth
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
4:11 PM
we may be capable of riots here on the isthmus, but we're also capable of having everyone at a four way stop watching to make sure a little black cat with white socks doesn't get hit by the mail truck (who also stops until it's dashed it's little feline self across the street).
on the election, which kept me up watching till late, ma and i cursing the results coming in. i can't believe the dems managed to lose all control. there's this thing called "division of powers" which we are now lacking. this has never happened before, i'm a little bit scared of the potential results in general, and i'm terrified of what they're about to do to the judiciary. all the current supreme court justices have to survive at least the next two years. the bench is already weighted to the conservatives, it doesn't need to get worse. at least we elected a democrat governor.
speaking of, i met doyle today. i went out for breakfast with dn and doyle was there with his wife, eating pancakes (i assume, since it was the original pancake house). after much debate we went up and offered our congratulations. he's got a great handshake, though i think one of my rings caught on his hand.
anyway, it's been a great day. now i have a short story to write for tomorrow.
mood: cheerful
music: bob schneider, lonely land
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
9:09 AM
GO VOTE!
Monday, November 04, 2002
6:31 PM
who'd have thought i'd be a bargaining chip in the efforts to sell the other store? not that peter made me one, but p (a potential buyer and someone we know) wanted a date with me thrown into the deal. peter doesn't believe in human trafficking, however, so i was spared.
i went in to the doctors just to get a check on my skin - i'm really pale & have burned so many times in my life, i just figured it was time to get those things checked out periodically. i don't have skin cancer! yay!
and seriously, get off your ass and vote tomorrow, or i'm not talking to you ever again.
mood: amused
music: npr
Sunday, November 03, 2002
11:52 PM
i went home slightly before this occurred last night. i'm glad we were out of there...hope the twinkies (high schoolers that we lost in the crowd) were out too. i'll have to talk to bf about it if i see her tomorrow.
mood: sleepy
music: ani difranco, reckoning
Friday, November 01, 2002
10:16 AM
live in madison with me? want to know where to vote on tuesday? click here and you can find out. cause baby, believe me, you want to vote.
12:49 AM
it's too cold for costumes. it always is. this year, i was "every college girl's costume ever" (ie naughty). red, black, revealing, etc. fun, as usual. however, i have been home for an hour now, and my bum is still cold.
mood: amused
music: iron & wine
