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Monday, September 30, 2002
10:52 PM
i'm supposed to be writing an email to howard right now, in regards to the female eunuch. i'm already late with it (ma, mc & i are supposed to send our comments in by sunday night), as i've been sick most of the weekend. i have a tendency to be apathetic and lethargic when sick, so nothing gets done even when it's supposed to. so now i'm behind, in everything, and i'm going to have to work really hard this week to catch up. but i'm still having trouble concentrating right now.
i feel so overwhelmed when i read these things. i want to scream, i want to cry, sometimes i want to never touch men again. as if i wasn't skeptical enough about relationships and what they mean, the fears i have are just magnified. will i settle? will i give up some essential aspect of me for a the illusion of security? have i ever truly really had a valid relationship where some part of me wasn't sacrificed, where something essential didn't disappear? if i even glance back, not even take a good hard look, i see all the mistakes, the things that would have trapped me, would have destroyed me. now i'm terrified of making them again. i don't trust my judgment, my taste in men. and yet part of me's afraid of being 40 and waking up in an empty bed. it's irrational and completely contrary to every image of strong woman that i hold in my head: i don't need a man. yet i'm afraid i won't find one? what the hell is wrong with me?
mood: distressed
music: hepburn, here comes napoleon
Thursday, September 26, 2002
9:33 PM
maybe the tightness in my lungs is depriving me of oxygen. i'm sick with whatever everyone else has, though this morning i think i hallucinated the phone ringing. either that or i was dreaming and hadn't finished waking up. whatever. i had some strange dreams last night. i blame that on being sick too. i need to call...hmm...who do i need to call? this is not healthy.
i'm going to marry rhett miller. well, probably not, but damn would i like to today.
mood: dizzy
music: rhett miller, the instigator
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
11:51 PM
buffy...crazy pretty spike...new high school...something older than the old ones...dawn not so whiny...mmmmmm...i'm such a dork. it's a promising start to what will, hopefully be a lovely season.
also, we turned on bbc america, where they were showing "so graham norton." i nearly died of pure happiness and desperately miss england again. i want back the bbc and itv!
allright, i'm going to bed early.
mood: happy
1:30 PM
a few minutes ago i was asked if i belonged to the green party. when i asked why, he said i just seem like the type who's more moral than practical. an interesting characterization. fits into the streak i've been in recently. i was taken for a wiccan on library mall, then there are the periodic assumptions that i'm lesbian. food for thought, i suppose?
just had lunch with ac, saw mt skipping class in the union. writing critiques of the creative writing stories for the week...i re-read mine last night, and it's a mess. i somehow missed a big chunk of errors, all on the first page, so flow is destroyed from the beginning. the overall strength of the piece is good, i can edit it, but that's not going to change the copies i already gave out to the class. dangers of re-reading your own things too many times...you know what it's supposed to say and don't always notice when it doesn't.
and i want to be pete yorn. only female.
mood: relaxed
music: pete yorn
1:25 AM
all caught up with the readings and the homework. i'm perhaps overly proud of myself. considering going to the wisconsin union directorate's music committee organizational meeting tomorrow night. could be fun. or stressful.
but more importantly tomorrow night? only the premiere of the best show on television! (well, one of them anyway.) we're throwing a party and watching the buffy premiere. yes, i am a dork and i love it.
someday soon i'll post the feminist ranting i'm being inspired to, but it's late and my head hurts and i have to be up in 6 hours, so i'm off to sleep.
mood: amused
music: wilco
Monday, September 23, 2002
2:37 AM
some great quotes from my reading this weekend:
"The implication that there is a statistically ideal fuck which will always result in satisfaction if the right procedures are followed is depressing and misleading."
"It is a commonplace in the music industry that the stars stuff their crutches [sic], and that the girls wet the seat covers. The savagery and hysteria of the phenomenon is in direct relation to its rarity."
more huge spiders. two skittered across our floors and to death by flyswatter. their presence makes me unhappy.
mood: exhausted
music: jeff buckly, mystery white boy
Saturday, September 21, 2002
1:48 AM
semi-tipsy ramblings
1. i burned my hand tonight
2. a squirrel tried to break into our apartment. not really break in, just tried to run in while the door was open. it was kinda bizarre.
3. we have giant freaking spiders which look poisonous. erin killed the one she saw in the bathroom. i hate bugs.
4. i have options at the moment. that's nice.
mmmmmmmm....pizza is ready.
mood: silly
music: ani difranco, both hands
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
1:43 PM
i knew i shouldn't let you touch me as we sat together separate on the couch
i knew where it would take us, the end result
too much to drink
i kept the counter top between us hours time
moving round the room
my grip tight upon my glass
you kept drinking whatever was on the shelf and though i recognized
the act, the words
knew everything was false (or true?) i thought
if
i just kept out of reach i would be safe, from that inevitable fate
that befell pompeii
to see your face others might have found my distance strange
but i knew the winds would change when i sat down
like the walls of rome i'd fall to eastern hands
mood: drained
Monday, September 16, 2002
1:06 AM
i spent 12 hours reading for classes today. 8 of those hours were at a coffee shop. my head hurts, but i finished beauvoir and a few other things. now i've just got a short story to write and court cases to read for the week.
mood: accomplished
music: eddie from ohio
Friday, September 13, 2002
8:06 PM
i suppose when one realizes the true picture of what and who you were, or weren't, to someone, it can be hard. to realize how little you ever meant to someone...perhaps that is what leaves me off balance tonight, as pictures clear up and a new dawn breaks, or something else equally, stupidly poetic and false.
i invest time in all of my relationships, family, friends, lovers. a good chunk of it isn't even face time, it's the thinking and considering and weighing of people in my head, the "are they worth it?" i always go through. because when i let people in, i don't do it lightly. i genuinely love the people i let close to me. i suppose it's assuming too much to think all others do the same.
one of my favorite quotes is "it's the friends you can call at 3 a.m. that matter." i don't want to appear to bitch too much. i have wonderful people in my life. they have held me while i cried and wiped my tears away, shared days of laughter and countless adventures big and small. they are incredibly important to me, even if we don't see each other every day or even every week, because i know they will always be there, and they won't hurt me.
it's just hard when you recognize ones who will.
mood: discontent
music: hooverphonic, "out of sight"
Thursday, September 12, 2002
12:48 AM
the age of irony is dead?
...that's what we thought. but i'm as scathing and ironic as always, laughing through everything that i can bear to.
i spent tonight with mc. a year ago we were literally a world apart, as she called me from prague and we spoke in that strange slow way while i watched the second tower fall and she relayed it to her classmates. but tonight we kept the news off, avoided the papers. america's way of mourning seemed too harsh, impersonal, false. we watched star trek, reveling for a while in the dorks we'll always be, then discussed the relative merits of bondage while walking around downtown before sitting at michelangelo's reading the second sex.
i'm content right now. it was a good day, and everything's okay.
mood: peaceful
music: bright eyes, lifted
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
11:33 PM
yes, it's tomorrow. and i could write a million things, but everyone is and there's so much we can never say about the day the towers fell. it also has completely unrelated personal significance for me. tomorrow, i think, will be hard. odd, that it's only been a year...but a long one.
to all that was lost, to all of us.
mood: melancholy
Monday, September 09, 2002
11:56 PM
oh for fuck's sake, a fifth one has a diamond. this is getting ridiculous.
aren't we all too young for this?
mood: surprised
music: erin practicing her piano
7:33 PM
i really am mood swing girl as of late. i do a pretty good job of not showing the sadness when it comes, or at least i try. but it comes a lot these days. it's hard to be back here, honestly, for so many different reasons. it's hard to stay in one place, go back to working, seeing everything and everyone just like it was...
for awhile today, it was really bright; dancing-in-the-shelves-by-myself happy. i forgot everything that's been making me cry, everything i try to keep from hurting. i guess it's a reminder that eventually, it's all going to go away.
part of me finds it funny that even though i help people through these things, i can't even help myself.
mood: depressed
music: hepburn, i quit
Sunday, September 08, 2002
10:58 PM
tendency towards a superiority complex
howard's feminist theory course is going to turn me into an insufferably pretentious human being, if i'm not one already. put ma, mc and me into a room for an hour a week with our favorite prof discussing the oppression of women...it should produce some interesting results. not to mention what will likely become our sunday afternoons at michaelangelo's to discuss before we submit initial analysis via email. this is awesome.
i feel really good about this semester, at least academically. beyond the feminist theory, the first amendment course is looking to be challenging, revolution and nationalism in ireland has a sparkling prof (even if he talks about baseball a little too much), and the fellow who's teaching my creative writing workshop is intense (and southern!). i'm dropping latin, as i'm already apathetic about the rote memorization required, though the irish accent was almost enough to keep me in.
i hope we have a scrimmage game this weekend. one had been predicted for the last few days but never materialized. i miss softball!
mood: stimulated
music: wilco
_______________
Saturday, 10:37am, September 7 2002
genna's again
it was refreshing to spend an evening with a group of nice guys. km's boys, sweeties all. dressed up and glittery, i got to laugh all night and have real conversations and didn't worry a bit what anyone thought of me. drank much water, one bloody mary, and ran into random people all over the streets. it's amazing how many people i know and actually want to talk to are wandering round this city.
got a little pine-y for traveling while talking with one of the guys about egypt, but then just really happy remembering it all. from the water bottle stolen by a gypsy woman in sarajevo, to the fireworks behind the eiffel tower, and how lucky i am to have seen and done what i did.
mood: good
music: hybrid
Friday, September 06, 2002
12:51 AM
i read the most romantic thing in my life tonight: a love letter, written to a friend by her fiance. it was so beautiful and loving i was a step away from crying. i sometimes forget people actually exist who are that in love, that perfect for each other. god, what i'd give to have words like that written to me.
mood: touched
music: and you will know us by the trail of dead
Thursday, September 05, 2002
1:56 AM
i'd finally fallen asleep. i haven't been sleeping well lately, for various reasons. but i'm awake again. because i was dreaming something, i'm not sure what. all i know is it upset me enough that i wanted to wake up, and i couldn't. i fought through layer after layer of false awakenings. i tried to scream, i tried to cry, but couldn't even move. i just knew i was trapped in my subconscious.
while i'm generally aware that i'm dreaming, when you know that's what's going on and all you want to do is wake up, it's terrifying. now, even though my alarm will go off in five hours and i'll want to skip latin rather than get out of bed, i can't bear the thought of falling asleep again. whatever made me want to wake up could not have been a pleasant thing.
mood: disturbed
music: ani difranco, wish i may
Tuesday, September 03, 2002
10:57 PM
no more hating on slovenia, as my package shipped from there at the end of june FINALLY arrived in the u.s. of a. i was beginning to feel very resentful of the slovenian postal service for losing my things, but i guess they only lost it temporarily. mom says it's a little beat up, but i don't think i had anything too breakable in there. mostly dirty clothes. it'll be an adventure. this means i have my egypt skirt back. it won't replace the vatican city pictures lost on the black and white roll of film destroyed in dubrovnik, but i feel slightly better about europe incurred losses.
first day of class, full day of classes (8:50-5:15). figured out how not to have to drop things. saw loads of the people from london, especially the boys. adam's in my history class, and just ran into the others around.
this is another one of those days where i had something important to say, but i'm too tired to remember it.
and printed out the semester at sea app. now i'll stare at it for the next four months before finally deciding if i'm going to fill it out.
mood: listless
music: the bugs outside the window
Sunday, September 01, 2002
4:47 PM
a year ago i was sitting on my mother's kitchen floor and amid my tears admitted that my old life was falling apart.
leaving him was one of the hardest things i've done in my life. but i'd do it again. everything that followed has made me who i am. i'm more whole, more balanced and i've done and seen so many amazing things. i'll do more. but right now i just want to sit on the water with someone stroking my hair as i lean on them. someone who understands that i want to be quiet, and is willing to be my shoulder for awhile.
current mood: lonely
current music: emmy lou harris, red dirt girl
