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Saturday, August 31, 2002
9:10 AM
mist on the lake. i can see it from my living room window through the heavy cover of leaves. not that it's an expansive lake view, but i can see the water, and a few small boats on it. the sunrise fishermen, out on the water even before my alarm buzzed me awake at 7 a.m. so i could walk around the farmers market unmolested by crowds of pushy yuppies and their strollers. i know, that'll be me someday. but maybe not. i bought bunches of flowers to layer around our little apartment, though the lilies that i wanted were out of my price range.
it's been a year since flowers stopped coming.
current mood: thoughtful
2:07 AM
the officially engaged/married count is four (and rising, according to speculation that should be confirmed soon).
full day. lunch out, work, onion, then running around the countryside. we showed our jersey boy an old-fashioned ice cream parlor in watertown, a farm (he touched his first cow), and a quick stop in waterloo. while there j.b. wandered over to the football game and managed to be hit on by local high school girls who tried to get him to buy them beer. then back to paterson for a chill little party of friends.
i feel over scheduled.
current mood: restless
current music: the hives
Friday, August 30, 2002
1:08 AM
sometimes tears are the only option i have
Thursday, August 29, 2002
11:42 AM
5:25 pm - like all the pretty girls who hide behind their hair
back to working at bookworks and the three s's: shelving, straightening, selling. it's pretty cool. peter just let me come back, and i think he's giving me a raise too. there are few things in life i hate more than a job search, though perhaps finding a job up at the capital would look better on my resume. just not so flexible.
classes starting soon. looking forward to it, though i need to drop something in order to make room for the feminist theory course with howard. it's got to be latin or creative writing, but i don't really want to give up either of them. i'd drop the ireland course, but i want to close out this history major as soon as possible. then it really will be just poli sci keeping me in school. i need to start making decisions about grad school. this year is more important than i care to admit.
still no internet at my house. or phone, for that matter. called and yelled at tds again and supposedly we'll have it tomorrow. i'm not too worried about it, honestly, but i know e would like it to be there. i apparently get $5 a day reimbursement for my cell phone for the time we've been without phone service. this could be a nice windfall (i'm thinking a month or two without a phone bill to be paid).
current mood: content
current music: phun - jessica epstein
Monday, August 19, 2002
1:15 AM
i'm going to take a long hot bath, sleep until sunrise (or my alarm goes off), and then take the last of my clothes to my new apartment, where i will live for the next year or two. my former drama teacher's son lives next door and a guerrero that i believe is related to my lawyer lives upstairs. erin and i probably already scared all of them by plugging sarah into an amp at 10 p.m. and aimlessly strumming. she is simply gorgeous, though i may have to give her a personality complex and call her sebastian.
current mood: content
current music: ani difranco, gravel
Friday, August 16, 2002
12:50 AM
it's a strange sensation, that i don't feel the need to flee my parents home for my new apartment. i probably won't actually sleep there till sunday night. various family members are showing up to see me this weekend, so it's just easier to roll out of bed here than have to get ready in madison. laziness. such a powerful motivator in its own way.
current music: patty griffin, flaming red
Thursday, August 15, 2002
1:24 AM
yesterday, while driving into madison along the back roads between waterloo and marshall (because marshall is a battlefield right now), i came upon a turtle. he was pretty big, black, muddy, and he'd set his turtle bum down in the middle of the road. i'm a softhearted person, so after staring at him for awhile, head cocked, i picked him up to get him off the pavement. this seemed to go well. he retracted his head, though his feet continued to dangle, but it was all an attempt to lull me into a false sense of security, since the moment his little turtle feet touched the ground his head whipped out and he attempted to take off some of my fingers. no damage to anything but my pride (i jumped back about six feet when i saw his jaw opened at me), yet i still resented him. i suppose though, i wouldn't take it too kindly if some strange large creature picked me up and transported me for no apparent reason. hmph.
had to run into town again today, as i had managed to forget to drop off my key and i didn't feel like getting money removed from my security deposit. traffic was a nightmare downtown, and i almost wish i didn't have to make it in twice tomorrow. lunch with erin and dinner & drinks with chris. but i'll be doing the driving in a clean car! a good chunk of the afternoon made certain of that. i'd forgotten that my car isn't complete trash.
i missed griffin at luther's blues. curse my travel-induced short attention span for distracting me from that. (yes, i'm still blaming it on hostels and trains.)
requested info/application for semester at sea. still don't know how serious i am about this, but it's not impossible.
current music: the white stripes, white blood cells
Wednesday, August 14, 2002
12:20 AM
i think it's funny, how part of me wants to be completely anti-social and have nothing to do with anyone, and yet as soon as i think a close friend might be angry with me, i get upset. i know i'm being terrible about keeping in contact with some people at the moment, but it's only temporary. i'm just...tired.
today was great though. spent time with molly, then betsy. i'm ready to move back into madison, quit having to drive 30 minutes if i want to see anyone.
i'm looking forward to so much this fall. i picked up the rest of my things from the old apartment, closed the door for the last time on it. it was a strange year. i'm glad a new one is starting.
current mood: tired
current music: carole king, tapestry
Friday, August 09, 2002
12:03 AM
anyone who's close to me (and anyone who's read my journal), knows that i have a problem of sorts with my stepbrother. now i get to have a concrete reason for it. said boy is 21 years old, about to turn 22. said boy has been claiming to be dating an 18 year old. said boy has been lying, as girlfriend turns out to be 15. creepy much?
i've got a real problem with guys in my age range (and older) dating girls who are barely old enough to smoke legally, let alone younger ones. there's a huge difference between someone who's in or just graduated from high school and someone who's been in college or working for a few years. and this stretches it beyond anything that i've found icky before. *shudder*
however, this news item means that he will not be moving into my parents' house. that solves that problem.
otherwise, a nice day. i sat out on the front porch for most of it, finishing up the kendra piece. then i found notebooks and started writing again after practicing a few chords on sarah (the les paul). now all i'd need to find was a theater group and i could truly be reverted back to my old arty ways.
current mood: annoyed
current music: madonna, the immaculate collection
Thursday, August 08, 2002
2:10 AM
i saw jason tonight. i'd decided to go to the union instead of home, had the urge to sit out on the dock in the darkness and look out at the water and the sky. but i didn't want to be out there alone, so i stopped by butler street. no kendra to be found, and molly on her way out for the night. so i started to drive there on my own, realized that i hadn't seen him since the return and called.
we sat out there for two hours, watching falling stars streak paths through the sky, and i was cold so i cuddled up close in that old set of arms. i could almost pretend for a moment that the past year hadn't happened. almost. but it has and i don't want to go back to him, nor he to me i think. it was comfort and familiarity. he still wears the ring i gave him three years ago and he played with it as we talked, a lady bug crawling along the collar of his shirt. it was wonderful to see him, but strange too. talking about the relationships we'd both had over the past year, the things we'd done in the last seven months. silly and inane and he'll always be important to me, even in the background. i suppose we all need a rock, though i won't depend on him to be mine.
current mood: weird
current music: the soundtrack in my head
Wednesday, August 07, 2002
12:21 AM
it's been a bad day. not for any particular reason, just little things compounding on each other. painful smiles. it would have helped if the hangover hadn't asserted itself. i should have canceled lunch, but we hadn't seen each other in ages. i was terrible company.
fighting with my father over his complete distrust of any of the friends i've made since the age of 16. he was actually pulling out ex-boyfriends as examples of my bad judgment. i fell in love, so what? you get blinded to other stuff sometimes, and they're all over now anyway. it's not like he didn't fuck up when he was younger. he knows that, and i think that's why he's so distrustful. at least i'm not married with kids at the age of 22.
the bright spot in my day? i found all my old art supplies, taped some paper to a board and started drawing a portrait of kendra. it's not bad, considering i haven't tried to do a portrait in years, and a little refinement seems to be all i need. i'm just out of practicing at judging space.
i'm going to bed. i've got a dentist appointment in the morning.
Tuesday, August 06, 2002
8:28 AM
genna's mixes killer cocktails and kendra does great comedy. last night was great, even if i did pretty much pass out as soon as we got back to molly and kendra's. now i've got to go back to madison, hit uhs and meet an old friend for lunch. it'll be fun. hmmm...i need to ask kendra if i drunk dialed. damn cell phones.
Monday, August 05, 2002
2:41 PM
cleaning out my room these last few weeks has been nostalgia times twenty million, and revealed to me a few things
1. i still cry too easily
2. i fit into all my old prom dresses
3. i need to draw again
4. i have too many guitar picks
5. i can avoid certain things for years (6 to be exact)
6. i wrote some great trashy fiction when i was younger
hmm...there was more than that. but i'm forgetting already. this summer was great but it has seriously degraded my attention span and short-term memory. i want to get the hell out of here and travel again. i love my friends but i'm bored. at least it's almost moving time, so i can distract myself with prepping for that.
more chances to avoid thinking about matt's impending appearance in my life. i suppose what i really resent about him contacting my father is it makes me feel like perhaps i should try to contact my paternal biological side. i saw them a few times when i was really little, but i don't remember. no idea what he looks like. and i've avoided it for years. i feel like i should, and yet i don't want to. it's complicated and complicating and i don't like complications. at least not like this. maybe i'll figure it out eventually
current mood: contemplative
current music: the white stripes
12:33 AM
i almost forgot that presents are standard. another to do thing for this week. and get a hold of collin to let him know i can't make it to his party if it's on saturday night. i'll be at the union for the wedding.
also, ian says i'm going to get married within the year. somehow, i doubt it.
current mood: calm
current music: liz phair, exile in guyville (i'm on a kick, what can i say)
Sunday, August 04, 2002
2:00 PM
i have a wedding to go to next weekend. the first of them. it's strange, that people i know are actually starting to do the pairing off permanently thing. apparently one of the girls from my high school crew got married while i was gone.
also, still upset/conflicted/annoyed at the appearance in my family's life of one of my stepsiblings. he's been in jail, and my parents are apparently taking him in for awhile. i'm feeling pretty resentful.
fuck, i've got to get out of this town today. anybody around to play?
oh, and also, now using lj as jessicarane. same old babble content, new easier to update location.
current mood: cynical
current music: moulin rouge
Saturday, August 03, 2002
8:24 PM
since when did shrapnel become a fashion accessory?
that would be my godfather/uncle commenting on my nose stud. so i've survived a week with the family, and even more surprisingly, i enjoyed myself. there were a few times where i wanted to flee, but i come from a great huge clan of people and it was fun. kayaking, tubing, attempting to waterski (that did not work out, but i'm sure it was comical to watch), playing cards inside during the poring rain, drinking bloody marys with my aunts, catching my first fish since i was a little girl...there was a lot.
and there was time to think. not that i've lacked that in the last seven months. but time on my own, to read or color (i rediscovered my love of crayons), to stare at my utterly non working cell phone. heh. yeah. we were pretty far up north, about an hour from the apostle islands. but i've been in the car for about nine hours today, so i may just shower and get in it again to go to madison and hope to god someone is hanging, cause i'm sick to death of my family.
how: drained
music: liz phair, exile in guyville
