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Sunday, April 28, 2002
10:07 AM
in cairo. amazing. life here is just...wow. i'm so content, seeing all these things i never have.
Thursday, April 25, 2002
9:35 PM
it's ridiculous...i've managed to do it again. ie, it's past 3am, i'm leaving to catch my flight in about 2 hours and when i arrive in cairo i'm going to be exhausted. but it's going to be an experience. my first real backpacking excursion (scotland didn't count). i'm excited, and still not packed. mari went off to try to drop library books off...we're not the world's most organized children. planning...not so big on it. anyway, i'll be there till may 11. maybe i'll be online while there, but who knows. i'll have other more ancient things to distract me.
Wednesday, April 17, 2002
8:07 AM
i know i didn't really mention it, but as i'm sure everyone knows, the queen mum died a few weeks ago. that's the second royal death since our arrival. with a touch of black humour i remember talking with a brit in january about which of them would die first (bookies had been taking bets). princess margaret lived two blocks away, in kensington palace (not that we ever saw her) and flowers were deposited at the gates (nowhere near as many as diana got). but that was about it in terms of formality. no high state funeral, no pomp and circumstance. we should have known it would be different for the queen mum. she was a highly beloved symbol, a woman who stayed in buckingham palace through the war, gave hope to the people. on her death, it was nearly instantaneous bombardment from all media sources. long biographies on the bbc, constant news coverage, commemorative papers. the lines to view her lying in state at westminster sometimes stretched five miles long. the nation paused in silence for two minutes in memory of her. her final procession took her by our program center, and a block from our flat. people threw flowers at her coffin as it passed, tv cameras all along the route, charles' grief manifested on his face. the approval ratings of the monarchy soared, and even the once hated camilla has received a boost in popularity. there was the palpable sense of an era ending as they carried her into windsor to be buried with her husband, dead fifty years.
i actually missed the procession, which disappointed me. this is kind of sad, but i was at the vidal sassoon advanced academy letting a man who didn't speak english cut their latest "innovation" into my formerly ridiculously long lion's mane of hair. it took four hours, longer than expected, so i watched the funeral and procession in a hair studio instead of in person, from behind the fringe the stylist refused to let me move until he was done.
on a more serious note, what i want to know is how can i save the world? ambitious, yes. i was crying watching the news last night, as they talked more about the destruction in the middle east, then moving on to further investigation of the war crimes of bosnia, all those murdered when the dutch moved out, standing by while massacres occurred. as i said before...i just can't understand. the murder of innocents is too much to take. i need to join an aid organisation, or dive into politics. i feel like i need to do something, anything to help. i just don't know how. it probably sounds silly, but maybe my calling is calling out to me...
Tuesday, April 16, 2002
6:40 AM
ten days till i leave for egypt. i do my best to soothe my father's paranoia about my safety, but i know egypt is going to be the most dangerous place i'm in this summer. it shouldn't be an issue...but the middle east is unstable and things happen sometimes. i'm not very worried about it, but i understand why he is. right now i'm more concerned about exams and papers to be written, the last minute details at the end of the semester. then two weeks in egypt, two months in europe. staying here as long as possible, seeing as much as i can. maybe i'll start to find the solution to my questions about my future. i woke up yesterday feeling like i'd found the answer, though i didn't remember what it was. maybe if i've seen it in forgotten dreams that's enough right now.
Saturday, April 13, 2002
5:49 PM
better now.
or something resembling at least. feeling far less depressed then 24 hours ago. toured more places with my mother today, ranted about the state of the world and my life. it made me feel a little better, even if it drove her a little crazy. or maybe it's just that i saw this written out when i needed it the most: the best is yet to come.
saw an anti-israeli demonstration in trafalagar square...it was disturbing to see so much hate, so much misunderstanding, so much prejudice. i try so hard, but i can't understand all the killing, claiming to be freedom fighters while fingering your enemy as terrorists, and them doing the same. everytime someone is killed the perpetrator becomes a murderer, no matter what side of the fight they're on. it seems as if no one is innocent anymore, as 16 year old girls blow themselves up in public places and soldiers kill civilians. a state founded in bloodshed can only hope to induce more before crumbling upon itself. i try, but i can't understand. so many innocents have died and will die and it seems like it will never end.
Friday, April 12, 2002
6:26 PM
i think maybe i'm freaking about the future. no focus, no job, no money, the usual. having to go back home from here...it's going to be hard. and even though it's still three months away i'm, well, scared. i don't know what i want to do with the rest of my life, i can't imagine working when i return home in the fall, etc. for gods sake i'm directionless in every aspect i can think of. the only thing i know i want is to be happy. the halfway point (only 2 more weeks in london) reminds me i have to go back. i love this place, i love the people i'm with, i love what i've got here. and the summer is going to be amazing (even if my father's convinced egypt isn't safe). and mostly i try to ignore what'll come after. but i guess i've been thinking too much about it the last few days.
also, upsetting family announcement today. if you care, ask.
brilliant times with my mom. we've been dashing around seeing everything we can. we finally sat down for coffee in a cafe after hours in the british museum and ended up talking with a woman from wisconsin. she recognized our accents and discussion of state street. she was really interesting, taught english at marquette until very recently. small world. (btw, all time with my mom is wonderful, it's only when i'm on my own that my mood turns foul.)
Thursday, April 11, 2002
6:55 PM
i am weary in a way i'd forgotten possible, as if something fell on me even though the sky was clear. why has something that feels like heartbreak invaded again when there's no reason for it to? i've stayed staunchly single and unattached, flirting at will and then moving on. i have my friends, and my life here, and that's enough and i'm happy. so why the melancholy? why did i have this urge to cry was i sat in the theater tonight with my mother? i have given up so many things, lost my connection to art, to logic, to anything. i have been thinking about the future, how blank it all is for me, how directionless i have become (or perhaps how i have too many to follow just one). i have no mooring and no course and i feel like i'm going to drown.
fuck melancholy. it has no place in my life right now. just fuck it. past is past, some ancient, some not, and none of it matters anymore.
/end directionless useless rant against nothing in particular but my own screwed up personality.
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
6:26 AM
someone called me last night and didn't say a word. it was really late/early, sometime in the glow of the black hours when i was sleeping deeply. i managed to wake up to answer it, the line was obviously still open, but no one responded, so i hung up and collapsed back into sleep. it was a "withheld" call, which usually means it was from the states. odd.
mom arrives tomorrow. and only 2 weeks and 2 days before i leave london...
Saturday, April 06, 2002
8:49 PM
i just went skinny-dipping in loch ness. it was spectacular. and i'm very much not intoxicated anymore.
Wednesday, April 03, 2002
3:35 PM
4:37 p.m. 1 april 2002
we stayed up till 5 a.m. and quietly invaded the second floor, thanks to some inside work that kept their door open. when they woke up they were missing their chairs, cushions, light bulbs, alcohol and silverware, tables upside down, toilet paper all over, oiled doorknobs, and a giant traffic cone sitting in the middle of the dining room where their tables used to be. not terribly mature or original, but fun, especially as ben discovered us while we were taping the doors to all the rooms and we fled to the upstairs. lots of giggling and feeling like ten year olds.
of course, we've wasted most of today. sleeping late after last night killed our mornings, and the afternoon has been wasted watching movies on tv.
4:19 p.m. 31 march 2002
week of old friends and wandering london has finished up. working on papers and projects and even the first bits of a final exam. class schedulting too. i'd like to take latin, but i'm not sure it'll be feasible. should take a history course, one or two poli sci courses. registering early enough that i should manage to get into a yoga course. i'll assume i'll be able to audition back into the masters singers. perhaps a creative writing course, or something to fulfill a ethnic studies requirement. i'm not sure how i'll be able to work with the scheduling...the ones i'm looking at taking don't seem to fit together nicely. finding a job to work around them isn't going to work well...
